The Alcohol Conception Chronicles
by Shawn Ashford
Summary: My first fanfic that makes sense...please r/r and don't flame me! A story that doesn't really follow the FF7 storyline about pregnancy in a drunken state and the consequences--- including how to cover it up.


Alcohol Conception Chronicles---The Days Parody  
I don't own Squaresoft, and neither do you. Hence the don't.  
HAH!!! My first fanfic that makes sense! PLEASE DON'T FLAME ME!!! R/R please!  
Dedicated to Days fans everywhere! You'll recognize my plot!! ;)~   
  
  
Aeris calmly walked down the cobblestone path in Kalm Town. A previous night at the Mythril Pub made her pretty tipsy, but of course, the next morning brought the usual headaches and vomiting. She took some medicine, and went to greet Cloud in his room.  
"Hello, Cloud. I'll have you know that my hangover was much worse," Aeris says, looking and Cloud lying down and clutching his forehead. Tifa then came from her suite and told them about how she was a conservative drinker.  
"But Tifa, didn't you throw up anyway?" Aeris asked her.  
"I'm sensitive to booze!" Tifa said, blushing.  
Now that doesn't make any sense, Cloud thought.  
The following night passed in a normal way, but instead of boozin' it out at the local pub, they decided to play it safe at the billiard hall. Cloud was no match for Tifa, but Nanaki was rather skilled. They left, Aeris sighing in disgust, since she lost to Yuffie.  
  
But something was wrong. The next morning, Aeris had a strange feeling in her abdomen. She flew over to the toilet, and threw up.  
"But I didn't drink last night...unless...NO...I'm not...I'm...I AM!!! CLOUD!!!!!" Aeris screamed, realizing the possibilities.   
"...the hell...?" Cloud ran in, panting, clad in a towel. Obviously, Aeris had interrupted his shower.  
"Well Cloud, you're rather lucky I didn't have the urge to kill you!!" Aeris hissed.  
"What are you talking about?"  
"Well, let's just analyze the situation!!" Aeris yelled at him. "I throw up for no apparent reason a few nights after I blacked out and didn't remember a thing!"  
Cloud stood dumbfounded. "So what?"  
We all know that this was a nice time for Yuffie to pop in. "Cloud! You IDIOT!! She's sick in the morning. Let's add the words morning and sick together...we get MORNING SICKNESS!! HELLO!" Yuffie told him.  
"Thank you, Yuffie," Aeris said. However, a few minutes later, Aeris thought to herself, Whoa! I'm really out of it if I start giving Yuffie credit for my things!  
"What's morning sickness?" Cloud asked, still clueless.  
At this point, Aeris punched Cloud in the stomach. "Well, let's have our little nurse explain it, since she obviously knows everything! Yuffie, if you will?"  
"*%$& you, Aeris. Anyway, it happens when people are PREGNANT! As in HAVING A BABY!" Yuffie retorted to Aeris's double damage.  
Cloud finally understood. "And you're telling me this because...?"  
"How could a person be so dumb? You were obviously the one who got me pregnant!" Aeris spat. Things COULD get worse, and they did, because at that moment Tifa ran in saying she was also ill. This was too much for Cloud. He passed out.  
  
The next few weeks were mainly attempts to put together the pieces of the puzzle. Tifa and Aeris teamed up against Cloud, calling him a chauvinist and a pig. "But I didn't do it...or did I? I don't remember!!"  
Nanaki, always full of brilliant ideas, came up with a plan.  
"Well, it's not really fair if Cloud isn't the father of one or both of the children.  
So how about we wait for both children to be born, then we run a DNA test?" Nanaki told them.  
"Bad dog!" Cid said, mocking him. "This ain't no science lab! Let's just see who the children look like!"  
"That doesn't prove anything. Barret has Tifa's eyes, Cloud has no one's eyes, for that matter..." Cait Sith told them. "And I couldn't have done it! Or else the child would be a kitten!" he added, with a glare from Aeris.  
"I'll stick with Nanaki's idea. I guess I could wait it out," Tifa told the group. Aeris agreed, and then so began the treacherous trimester checkups, the breathing techniques, the pushing exercises, and the works. Tifa and Aeris had the same due date, and they were prepared.  
Barret was rather tempestuous one night at the gym where they practiced, and started screaming at Cloud.   
"Maybe if you didn't knock them up, we could be having some damn---"  
"Shut up, Barret. For all we know, YOU could be the father of one or both!" Cloud retorted, leaving Barret silenced.  
Of course, the next week, Tifa, Aeris, Cloud, Nanaki, and Yuffie we playing a rather intense game of charades. It was very exciting. Then it was Aeris's turn.  
Damn it, she thought. I can't do anything with this baby. Oh well, I'll imitate a sick chocobo who---  
At that moment, Aeris's crouched down and started gasping. Yuffie and Cait Sith instantly found it funny.  
"Umm, you're a Shinra employee who is having an accident!" Cait Sith laughed.  
"Yeah, she is!! Great imitation! Except I dunno if props are allowed, kinda like that liquid you used, so---" Yuffie added in.  
"Shut up! This is IT!!" Tifa screamed. "She's having her baby!"  
"You're vulnerable too...Tifa..." Aeris gasped.   
"We need to get to a hospital! Quickly!" Cloud said.  
"No...ya think?" Yuffie replied.  
"I can't drive, hell I might break my water right here!" Tifa told them.  
Cloud ended up driving, and then suddenly, Tifa helped Aeris onto a stretcher, then felt a tingling feeling. "Uh oh...Dr. Carver!! Make that TWO deliveries!" Tifa groaned. It would be a long night, except for those painkillers Tifa requested which made her see strange colors.  
During her delivery, Tifa was totally out of it. "Wow! We've got purple, but no red! Yellow and green or some moon color, and some shade of teal and orange!"  
Aeris chose an all-natural delivery, and continued meditating. Cait Sith, her labor partner, began reading off little note cards.  
"You are now on a quiet beach. The waves lap up on the shore. Except for the fact that Yuffie is hunting for crabs with a harpoon, but in that case---"  
"EXCUSE ME!" Aeris shouted out of her trance. "I am TRYING to have my baby in PEACE! Yuffie will never be associated with my PEACE! Continue, Cait Sith."  
After Tifa saw a few more shapes, her baby officially was born. She had green eyes, and was rather loud. Cloud slapped Tifa to get her out of her dreaming stage.  
"Hello, this is Tifa. I'm not in, so please leave a message." Tifa mumbled, then fell asleep.  
"Um, hi, this is Cloud, informing you that your baby has been born. Congratulations!" Cloud told her ear.  
"Really? We have a baby now? Ohh! There she is! Wow! Her eyes are that funny shade, like the colorful shapes!" Tifa said in confusion.  
Nanaki then had to ask Dr. Carver for a stimulant, since Tifa was still out of it and wouldn't return. Dr. Carver injected a purplish liquid into Tifa's IV. After a few minutes, she snapped out of it. "Wha...Okay, well what should I name her?"  
"How about...Amber? Elisabeth? Noa?" Nanaki suggested. Tifa clicked at a different name.   
"How about Lavender or Elisabeth?" Tifa asked. Cait Sith suggested a tarot reading as he popped it.  
"I definitely think Elisabeth," Cait Sith said.  
"Okay, then she's Elisabeth Lockhart. Good name, you guys!" Tifa smiled at the group. When the baby was ready to be wheeled into the incubation room for the routine checkup, Vincent insisted to taking the baby to the incubation room.  
  
  
In the next room, Aeris was having much success with Cait Sith's landscaping fantasies. Most unfortunately, Cait Sith got caught up in the fantasies himself, and didn't notice when another baby girl was born. Dr. Carver had to come in and see Aeris practically finished with her delivery before taking action. Aeris and Cait Sith were stuck on the names Ilfana and Neela. Cait Sith again had a suggestion and chose Neela, and Aeris agreed happily. Once again, Vincent appeared in the doorway. Tifa was smiling into the cubicle from hers, but then saw Vincent.  
"What's with him and the babies all of a sudden? He has discouraged us the whole time!" Tifa whispered to herself.  
  
However, in the incubation room, Cloud and Vincent were having a little discussion about the DNA as well as the paternity of the children.  
"Well, Cloud, you'll be condemned by one of the girls if you are the father of one of them and not the other. Plus, this all happened in a drunken confusion," Vincent told Cloud.  
"So basically it's a lose-lose situation for me?" Cloud asked Vincent.  
"Not if my little plan works. I know that you cannot be the father of both. That is very improbable, so---" Vincent replied.  
"And so you're suggesting what?" Cloud asked him.  
"Well, you'll be out of the picture if you're the father of neither of them."  
"And how is that going to happen? Vincent, we were drunk. How do you clear up a pregnancy and DNA test?"  
"Shut up and listen. This is my plan. Aeris and Tifa genuinely suspect that you are the father of one or both their children. In other words, you're the prime suspect, and they will be very interested in making you the first zealous subject. Now, our options are to switch the babies around, or---"  
"Switch the babies? Are you crazy? That would mess everything up!"   
"Touche, but not quite. If you aren't the father of one, the babies' DNA is interchangeable if we switch them. However, a safer option is to simply make sure that we give a DNA sample that is supposed to be yours, but is really someone's who cannot poissibly be the father. Therefore, take a sample from me. It's easy enough."  
"Alright, if you're sure..."  
  
The next week was uneventful, yet Tifa and Aeris waited desperately to spring the DNA test upon the group. When the time was right, Neela and Elisabeth's saliva was taken on a small piece of napkin each. When it was time for Cloud, Vincent simply supplied his own tissue and licked it. However, Vincent stole a sample of Barret off of a drinking glass Barret used. The lab results would be coming back in a week, and the Barret sample went to Neela; the Vincent sample to Elisabeth.  
  
Dr. Carver greeted the group the next Wednesday for the test results. Pretending not to be nervous, Cloud waited to hear from a professional that he wasn't the father, since both of the samples were "his". Dr. Carver observed a grid with numbers that belonged to Neela. She claimed there was not match, and Aeris was slightly disappointed yet relieved. However, when she came to Elisabeth's, she glanced at the paper twice, before telling Tifa a wrenching discovery.  
"Congratulations, Cloud! Elisabeth is your daughter!"  
At that moment, Cloud shot a malicious look at Vincent.  



End file.
